Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Up the rollercoaster...down the rollercoaster...

Yesterday I didn't cry once all day.  I didn't even tear up a bit.  I can't remember the last day I didn't cry.  My mom came over and helped me repaint the dining room, which is where we had Isaac's bed...and where I spent 24 days and nights sitting starting at the yellow walls.  I didn't mind the warm, buttery tone when we first moved in...didn't love it, but made it work.  However, spending the time staring at it coupled with what happened in that room...and it was time to say goodbye to yellow!  The room is now Glidden's Antique Beige.  It looks pretty darn white to me, but it's not white!  It is definitely lighter and brighter, and I think it made me feel lighter and brighter yesterday.  (It needs a few touch ups, but I will post pics when it's done!)

Today...different story.  Today I can't tell you the number of times I have cried.  Today I curled up in a ball in my chair and sobbed because I actually felt my heart aching.  I decided I'm going back to work next week on Wednesday.  This morning, standing in my kitchen, I had a slight panic attack about this.  It's not that I don't want to go back...I adore the people I work with, and my students never fail to make me laugh.  The thing is...going back means moving forward.  (now that I type that, it seems a little funny - back means forward!)  Right now, the only thing that has changed from my life is the fact that Isaac is no longer in a hospital bed in my dining room.  I still am not going to work and I can just remain in this little bubble of safety.  Going back to work means I will have to face people who will look at me and I'll know they are thinking "Poor Jess" (understandable...I'd do the same thing).  It means I will have to come home every day to an empty house.  It means moving on...accepting the fact that Isaac isn't coming back and I have to start living life without him. 

And I know...God is with me through all of this.  I honestly expected to feel angry at Him or feel like He is far away, but I don't feel that at all.  I'm sure much of that has to do with the many prayers of my friends, family, and even people I have never met who are reading this journey.  I put a little counter on my blog on Sunday, and it's already over 700 hits.  Wow!  I am humbled...and I am so happy that this little piece of my life has reached so many others.  God is doing great things through this!  My friend Michelle said she thinks "God's going to be doing some incredibly awesome, joy-bringing things in the lives of those hurting right now" and I know she's right!  I also know I'm not the only one hurting right now, others of you are hurting too - over Isaac and over many other things.  It is my prayer that this slice of my little life somehow helps you, somehow brings you peace, and somehow reminds you that God is good - all the time.


  1. You are so gifted at getting your thoughts down on paper; I'm sure many hurting people have been and will be blessed by your words.

    As I was reading your post, Matthew 6:34 came to mind: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." I don't mean to offer that in a cliche way because you certainly have many justifiable and necessary decisions to make right now (and, in my book, making a paint decision was a great place to start - go you!). I think I just want to encourage you as you go through the many emotions surrounding next Wednesday that God is already in Wednesday waiting for you to join Him there in due time.

  2. Dear Jess,
    I read your post on Beth Moore's blog tonight and my heart just hurt for you. So I looked on your blog to see more of your story.
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I've cried with you tonight as I've read your story.
    I just finished reading your entry from the morning Isaac ran into Jesus' arms. How beautiful that the spirit of God walked you and Isaac through that process of him passing from this life into eternal life with songs so anointed and lyrically comforting to both of you. I can tell you are a courageous woman. I'm praying for you tonight ... that you will sense the Father's presence filling your mind, soul and home as He continues to heal you heart.
    Much love to you Siesta!
    Mary Conrad
    Noblesville, Indiana

  3. A big hug for you! I can't imagine what you're going through :'-(

    God bless you!