Friday, March 19, 2010

I am okay

A strange thing happened this week...I didn't cry every day.  As I was walking last night with my friend, Michelle, and talking about how things have been going, I realized that this past week has been different.  It's been just a little over 3 weeks since Isaac died.  When I say it like that, 3 is such a short amount of time, but I feel like it's been longer.  Maybe it's the change in weather, maybe it's the fact that I went back to work...but it just feels like it was so long ago.  I guess mentally, it was.  When I look back, Isaac was here in body until February 24th, but his mind was gone long before that.  There were glimpses of him, little ways we knew he was still with us in some capacity, but I honestly can't remember the last "real" conversation we had after the hospital bed arrived.  So, for me, my husband has really been gone since the beginning of February.  I mourned the loss of his sweet spirit while still getting to kiss him goodnight every night.
On Wednesay, I was driving home from work with the sunroof open, windows down, and radio blasting.  Isaac loved to drive on sunny days like that, too.  I found myself thinking "Man, Isaac would love to be sitting in this car with me," but instead of feeling sad - I was happy.  I was happy thinking about the times we drove random back roads on beautiful spring days, just listening to music and enjoying the weather.  I was happy thinking that while this was Isaac's favorite time of year (the birds are starting to chirp!), he's in Heaven now...and it's so much better there than it is on even the most perfect day here on earth.  How could I want him to come back from that?  Sure, I wish he was sitting with me in the car, but the joy I felt with the sun shining on me and the wind blowing through my hair is nothing compared to the joy he is experiencing at the feet of Jesus in Heaven.  And that felt felt so freeing. 

I am sad still sometimes.  Not in the way that makes me feel like the cartoon character who is followed around by the gray rain cloud...I feel more like there's this empty hole that follows me around - and when I look at it, I remember that Isaac's not here, but I don't look at it all the time.  I am starting to feel happy again...I feel free.  And, I think it's Isaac up there in Heaven who's cheering me on.

"My dead heart now is beathing
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free.  Now I'm free.
Lift my hands and spin around,
See this Light that I have found,
Oh the Marvelous Light, Marvelous Light."
"Marvelous Light"

On a note unrelated to this blog post...
Nick & Friends Sarcoma Organization is a non-profit organization founded to support and raise awareness for all types of sarcoma.  They have been so supportive of me and many families affected by sarcoma!  They have designed a NASCAR for Toyota Racing's contest.  The car is covered in yellow ribbons, each bearing the name of one of the members of Nick & Friends support list - including ISAAC!  How cool!?!  You can vote for their car every day for the next 2 weeks, so please vote!

1 comment:

  1. "And that felt felt so freeing." I am so glad that you could feel that joy this week. I saw your prayer request on Andrea's blog. I am praying for you and Isaac's parents... that you may feel the comfort of God.