Sunday, March 14, 2010


Isaac's favorite passage of Scripture was Isaiah 55:8-9 ("For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.") 

When it came to getting cancer, instead of thinking "Why me?", he thought "Why NOT me?  What makes me better than someone else?".  I'll be honest - when it came to falling in love with him, sometimes I thought "Why me?".  I wondered why God would have me wait 27 years to fall in love, and then allow me to go through such pain with it.  For awhile, I really believed that God would heal Isaac because there was no way He would allow me to continue through such pain.  I prayed hard for total healing for Isaac, and everytime we got another scan that showed more cancer...I got angry at God, because clearly - it was His fault.  One day, though, my prayers began to change.  I continued to pray for that miracle of healing, but I also began praying that God would give me peace no matter what the news was.  I prayed for grace, patience, strength, and the ability to accept God's plan - no matter what that plan was.  God answered, and continues to give me all of those things and more. 

Of course, there are moments when I am sobbing and sad and feeling crummy.  There are times when the grief smacks me in the face and I just have to give in to it.  There are times when I miss him so much I think my heart actually hurts.  But, they are just moments.  Sometimes, they are minute long moments and sometimes they are hour long moments, but they are just moments.  God has graciously given me peace before and after the moments of grief hit.  He reminds me that there is reason for everything, and that the pain I feel is not in vain. 

During Isaac's last hour with me here on earth, I read chapter 55 of Isaiah to him and I was struck by the verses that followed his favorites:
"As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
It will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
Isaiah 55:10-11
This is a promise I hold tight to.  The promise that all of this - every tear, every moment of sadness, every pain - has a purpose.  I may never know that purpose here on earth, and I know I will still feel the pain of this loss for a long time.  But, I'll endure that pain for now, because the things God is giving me and teaching me through it all is worth every tear.  I'll live through the pain, because I got to be in love.  Totally, madly, head over heels in love.  It may have been brief, but it was beautiful...and it was worth it.


  1. Jess, Thank you so much for pouring out your thoughts and heart. I've been so touched by your journey and I wanted you to know that God is speaking to me. (Not that I'm always very good at listening.) I do find myself thinking a lot about heaven, especially since my dad died last Nov. I really liked the pastor's illustration at Isaac's memorial service that our life here is like standing in line at Disney World waiting for the "real ride". The most important reason I'm posting here is to let you know about the message God gave me on my way home from Issac's service. As I was flipping between radio stations, Matthew West's song, Save a Place for Me came on. It was a message of healing for me and I wanted to share it with you. I'm hoping you're able to get to it via this link.

  2. I know you don't know me, but the prayer group at Wildwood has been praying for you. I am so blessed that you would write this blog as you witness God's character during this time. I am encouraged by the one entry I've read.

  3. Jess, How did you get so wise so young? Your insight inspires me. God has great purpose for your life.