Sunday morning I woke up for church and I was laying in bed thinking about how I miss going to church with Isaac. I was just thinking about how I miss the feeling of finding him in the lobby in his red sweatshirt and hugging him. And then I heard this voice (makes me sound a tad crazy, huh?) that said "Do you miss how I almost never made it sitting through a single church service because of the pain in my hip?" Well... of course not. I hated seeing him in pain.
Things like that have been in my thought process a lot this week - things that make me thankful Isaac is not here. Sounds strange, I know. I wish Isaac was still here, but I wish he was still here and he was completely cancer free and totally healthy. I don't wish he was still here going to get blood drawn twice a week, driving to Pittsburgh for chemos, flying to Houston and just praying there was some treatment. I don't wish he was still here chained to an oxygen tank. I don't wish he was still here taking huge amounts of pain killer just to make it through the day. I don't wish he was still here and I had to check my phone every half hour wondering how he was feeling that day.
Every single day I thank God for freeing Isaac from the chains of cancer. I don't wish Isaac was still here...but I sure wish Heaven had a phone so I could talk to him.
Check this song out - it's called "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay, and it happened to play on my Pandora as I was writing this!
"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face."