Sunday, May 9, 2010

Random thoughts related to moving forward...

It's been a little more than 10 weeks since Isaac died.  It felt like April would never end, and now I can't believe we're in the 2nd week of May!  It seems things have settled a bit, and thoughts of moving forward come to my mind more often. 

The first thing I debate in my mind is my involvement with "activism".  Through the past monts, I have had the privelage of meeting many wonderful families and people who have been affected by cancer.  Part of me just loves this - I love reaching out to these people, sharing my story, etc.  But, part of me wants to step back from this.  I know several families who have lost loved ones to cancer and are doing all kinds of wonderful things to raise money and awareness.  Many are doing all kinds of awesome things.  They have started foundations, are doing awareness events, or starting websites in the name of their loved one.  For awhile, I had the thought that when Isaac died, I would do something like this.  Isaac and I had talked about starting a soccer tournament through his high school soccer team and after he died, someone approached me about starting a memorial run in Isaac's name. 

A small part of me wants to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to raise awareness and champion this cause.  But...most of me does not.  Is that selfish? Maybe. I am 28, and the rest of my life - Lord willing - could be 60+ more years!  I remember a conversation Isaac and I had just a few days after we called hospice.  We talked about what my life would be like after he died, and Isaac told me he wanted me to move forward.  He said he had thought about writing me a letter to read after he died, but decided not to because he didn't want me to have anything I felt like I had to hang on to.  He said he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning over him.  So, for me, if I spent the rest of my life championing the cause of osteosarcoma awareness, I think I'd never really move forward.  And that's not what Isaac wanted, and it's not what I want either. 

I will keep writing, I will keep reaching out, I will maintain the friendships with others through this time...I'm just not going to organize fundraisers and run races and do things like that.  To those who are doing those things, I think you are awesome and you need to keep doing it for those like me, who just can't.

The other issue related to "moving forward" is about dating.  I've had the "are you ready/when will you be ready to date" conversation with several people over the past few weeks.  So I thought I'd just go ahead and write about it!  Am I ready to date?  Easy answer: yes.  I miss having that 'someone' - like on Grey's Anatomny when Christina tells Meredith "You're my person" - I miss having "my person".  It occurred to me though one day, that while I am ready to entertain the idea of - someday in the future - dating again, I am not ready right now.  I recently got a new car, and when I was cleaning out my old car one of the things I moved and immediately placed in the new car was the "I love you" post it note Isaac had left in my car one morning.  That was when I knew - I am not ready to put Isaac away.  Being really, truly ready to date again would mean that I would put things like that post-it note away.  And I can't do that yet.  I like being reminded every single day when I get in my car, that he loved me.  So, that's where I am.  Someday I'll "get back out there" and date again. Am I ready?  Yes, and no.  Will I write about it when I do start dating?  Yes. 

Disclaimer:  No one in my life has made me feel like I need to date again.  No one has pressured me.  No one has asked about it in such a way to make me feel bad.  It's just a question I've been asked, and I wanted to answer.  I know it will take time, I know I will know when I'm ready.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Jess, I've just found your blog, Oh girl! My heart goes out to you and even though I don't know you, I know the walk your on, and I wish I could give you a big hug. I lost my husband of 30 years, five years ago. I've moved on and remarried again, but a day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. Somedays more than others. I'm gonna bookmark you and follow your journey and leave you encouragement when I can. I have Wordpress blog so I can't follow you through Google, but know you have one more friend. Margaret