Bitterness. It's a word that has been on my heart this past week. It's been almost 10 weeks since Isaac died, and I can honestly say: I am NOT bitter. Have you ever heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant? There's a line in that song that says: "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow."
I credit more of my peace to God. I remember one night before Isaac and I were married. We had just gotten scans back that said there was cancer in his pelvis again. I was so angry and afraid. I cried and sobbed and screamed at God (and Isaac). I was so angry and felt like God had let me down. Something about that night really hit me and I asked God to change my angry heart. Rather than playing solely for Isaac's healing, I began praying for peace no matter what happened. I prayed God's will to be done, and that He'd just grant us strength and grace in the journey. I could no longer feel "God let me down" when I prayed that way. I began seeing His grace in my life. That's where my peace comes from.
I've heard the cliche "Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies." and I believe that's true. No good could come from my being bitter. I hope though, as I share with you what God is teaching me, good will come from my choice to embrace peace.
P.S. Did you see I started a new blog? It's called "The Space Between"! Check it out! You can see pictures of the repainted dining room!