Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A letter (tears flowing!)

Dear Isaac,
I hope you are having a great time on your tour of the world with God.  I know you've probably seen every bird you ever talked about wanting to see, and every nook and cranny of our earth by now.  I wish I could be on that tour with you, but I guess when I get there, you'll just have to be my tour guide.  You can show me all the things you know about Heaven that I don't know yet, and "na-na-na-na boo boo" at me that you know more than I do!! 

Things back here on earth are going okay.  I always told you I'd be okay, and I am.  I just miss you.  I remember that I used to tell you the part of your death I dreaded most was the time between "There's nothing more we can do for Isaac" and your last breath.  But now, I think the past 2 weeks have been the hardest.  At least during your last month, when I was sad, I could climb into your hospital bed and even though you were totally loopy and out of it, you'd still give me a kiss.  I remember one time I was crying, and you pointed at my tears and said "I'm not sure what all this is about"...and it made me laugh.  You always made me laugh no matter how bad I was feeling.

Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I'd do differently if I could have a "do over" with our relationship.  The only thing I can come up with is...I'd have married you sooner.  If I had known that we'd get just 8 short months of married life, I'd have had you drive us straight from Wildwood Lake where you proposed, to the courthouse in downtown York.  I'd have started our married life immediately. 

I loved being your wife.  I miss waking up beside you every morning and coming home to you at the end of every day.  I miss cooking for you, and the silly things you did like putting way too much cheese in your chili.  I miss how hard you worked at being a great husband, and how proud you were everytime you did something "husbandy" like mowing the lawn or fixing something around the house.  I miss how much you cared for the youth at our church, how you wanted Charley and Weston to seek passionately after God, and how you found creative ways to demonstrate His love for them even when they least suspected it.  I miss how you encouraged people like Kreeger, and Caleb, and Chris (all of them!) to question and wonder and speak openly about their faith.  I miss how you always had to try to do things better than Ned, I think iron definitely sharpened iron in your relationship with him - you two always tried to outdo each other, but you both came out better in the end because of it.  I miss how did things like buy a book on reptiles for a hurting teen, not because you wanted to try to win him over or something, but just because you knew he liked reptiles and the book made you think of him.  I miss your excitement over the fact that we could have lots of "couple friends", and through that I met the McGinnis's and the Suereths.  I miss how much you loved your sweet sister, how you were so proud of the way she was seeking to find her own walk with Lord and you always wanted to hang out more with Abbi.  I miss how much you wanted to learn from your dad, and how even though you would nag at your mom, you always said "my mom is AWESOME". 

But the thing I miss most of all is the way you encouraged and loved me.  Whenever I was having a really bad day, or something really important was happening like a job interview or an observation, you'd send me text messages and emails to remind me that you loved me...and when I'd come home, you'd tell me you prayed for me all day and then you'd ask me about every little detail.  I remember one Monday morning, after a Sunday night I spent REALLY not wanting to go to work the next day, I woke up to find a sticky note with "I love you" written on it stuck to the cabinet in the kitchen...and another on the bathroom mirror, and on the steering wheel of my car, and on the page of the book I was reading, and inside my computer screen when I opened my laptop.  I miss you.

I know that you are so happy now...happy to be free of cancer and enjoying all that God has to offer in Heaven, and I rejoice for you every day.  It's just lonelier down here on earth now that you're gone. 

I can't wait to see you again!  I love you!
Still your wife,

P.S.  Could you please ask God to let you use Facebook from Heaven so I can keep updated on your status?  Thanks.


  1. Hi Jess
    I found your blog through LPM by Beth Moore and have been reading your story.
    I just wish to be an encouragement as a sister in Christ. Here's a song on YouTube I wish to share with you. "He is with you"

    Blessings ~ Shalom

  2. Jess, My heart aches with you, but rejoices with the Truth. Thanks so much for sharing!

  3. Sending you a sticky note that says "Hugs and prayers for you". What a beautiful letter. How lucky he was to have you for a wife.

  4. What a blessing you two were to each other. My heart aches for you and prayers are still coming your way! Your letter is beautiful and through it, I've seen that the two of you found and had something so special...something that some couples married "forever" never find or have!

  5. I pray that someday my BFF and I can be for each other what you and Isaac were for each other. In your short time as a married couple, you were able to exemplify what it means to be in a Godly marriage. We all still have so much to learn from you. I am still keeping you in my prayers.