My favorite part of the day lately is around 10:30pm. That's about the time that all of our visitors have left, and the only sounds in the house are the fish tank and the oxygen machine. I climb into bed beside Isaac and hold him in my arms. I read him the cards and notes we've gotten in the mail, or some Scripture. I sing him what became our somewhat unconventional song - A Bushel and a Peck. I'm not even sure how or when we started that, but somewhere in our relationship he said to me "I love you a bushel and a peck", and it just stuck. So, I read to him, sing to him, and then pray over him. It's such a sweet time, and I'm so thankful we have those moments together.
Last night, after I "tucked him in", a line from a song popped into my head. "Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy" from Hungry, the version done by Kutless. I have the Kutless CD with that song on it, but I'm not sure why it popped into my head like that when I hadn't heard it in weeks. So, I looked up the song on YouTube and the lyrics. The part that spoke most to my heart was the lines "Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide. I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life. So I wait for You."
There are a few things in those few words that speak to where I am right now. First, "broken" - if I could sum up all the feelings I feel in one word, it is broken. Broken, to me, means I've fallen apart but I can be put back together. Broken, but not beyond repair. And, when we are broken, and run into the arms of God - He is the one who lovingly picks up our shattered pieces and puts them back together. Often, He puts them back together into a different and better version than before.
His touch restores our weary souls. Weary...not tired...but weary. That's a good word for how I feel. I'm not tired. I think I'm running on about 4 hours of restless sleep a night, but even when I have the chance to nap, I am not tired. (some of that, I must admit, is thanks to my friends at Dunkin Donuts) I am weary though. Weary in a way that no amount of sleep will help. I think the only remedy for that weariness will come after Isaac is gone and I can have peace that he is no longer suffering.
But, it's the last line that I love the most. I've listened to this song a ton of times and never really registered that line until last night. "So I wait for You"...that's what we're doing here. We're not waiting for Isaac to die, but rather we are waiting for Jesus to be ready to come get him. It makes me think back to a song I used to love before Isaac and I started dating (and, for the record, before the movie Fireproof caused it to become overplayed!), "Worship in the Waiting". Before, I was choosing to worship God in the waiting for Him to bring Isaac and I into a relationshop...and now I am choosing to worship Him while I wait for Him to take Isaac home.