There's been a blog brewing in my mind for a few days now, but I just have had trouble putting it together. The week of Feb 12th-Feb19th contains some important days for me.
First, February 12th was Isaac's 25th birthday! We had a few friends over, sang to him, and had some ice cream cake - Isaac even had a few bites of the ice cream! The day was bittersweet for me though, as I was feeling a little regret in my heart. Last year, I didn't do anything big for his birthday and I told him that this year we'd do something special. We had a 4 day weekend, and I thought at first maybe we'd go somewhere on a trip. Then, when we decided on hospice, I was planning to just have an open house birthday party for him. I didn't imagine I'd be feeding him ice cream cake in a hospital bed.
Second, is of course, Valentine's Day. Sigh. For years, I thought about how wonderful it would be to actually have a Valentine! I can't actually remember what we did for Valentine's Day last year (how bad is that?!). This year is strange for me...my first married Valentine's Day. I just don't even know what to say other than, it's certainly not how I expected to be spending my first married V-Day!
Third, February 19th will mark 2 years since Isaac and I made the leap into couplehood. I can't remember the exact date, but sometime around Valentine's Day 2 years ago, Isaac was in the hospital. I visited him, and left him a Valentine card. In it, I shared with him that I had feelings for him, and thought we should pursue a relationship. It took a little coaxing, but he eventually admitted he felt the same. It was just different for him, he wasn't sure that he wanted to let me in like that, feeling it wouldn't be fair to me to ask me to be in a serious relationship when his future was so uncertain. I knew though, that I already loved him too much to just ignore it! And so, our relationship began!
This is just such a weird place that I am in right now. Our CNA called it "coasting", which really does describe how I feel. I am sure that my mind and body are just going to crash once he is gone. But for now, I feel like I am on autopilot. I get around 4-6 hours of sleep a night, never all in a row though. Yet, I am not exhausted. I hardly cry anymore, I just hold it together somehow.
Many people have told me how strong I am, and this whole experience is certainly showing me that I am stronger than I thought! But, I think you would be doing the same thing if you were in my situation. You don't really have a choice. You have to be strong, because if you just fall all apart, who will be there to help your loved one? I believe we rise to the occassion. I do what I have to do, and lean heavily on Christ and the help of others. I break down sometimes, but I don't stay down!