Friday, February 19, 2010

Notes from my husband...

Something that has always impressed me, as well as most who know Isaac, is the way he has dealt with cancer.  As we have sat around talking about Isaac here and there, something that a few people who know him well have mentioned is that Isaac never seemes to fit here on earth.  Most of us have the "dream" for our life, we knew what we wanted to be when we grew up...but not Isaac.  Since I have known him, he has gone through saying he could be a teacher, janitor, Best Buy employee, Blockbuster employee, volunteer at his favorite fish store, work at an aquarium, and many other possible careers!  He has always had such a wide variety of interests, and always said he never felt like he belonged here. 

Today I started reading back through Isaac's old Facebook notes and saw so much evidence of his frustration with life on earth, his struggle with understanding God's plan for his life, and his acceptance of the reality of death.  So, I thought I'd pull some quotes from some of his notes to share with you all.  There's a bunch, and if you read only one - scroll down to the very bottom and read the last one, it's the best.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I can't really put my finger on it, but most of the time I am either out of sync with the rest of the world or people are just plain boring. I find that I feel so much older than my peers, but I'm really not. I get frustrated though when people seem to go through the motions. It seems everybody has a plan for the future of when they will do then. What about now? What are we going to do now? I find that people say they will aspire to do something once they get their degree, then they will be able to do something "important" or whatever. The trouble with this thinking is that we find ourselves holding off the past "presents" the present and when we get to the future (which will then be the present for us) we continue to claim that we will do something in the future.

Saturday, October 14, 2006
For some reason though I still have a good attitude about this, its a little scary to think that I could die, but it is pretty liberating to know you are an unbound person, free of all the crap that the world throws at you, a world that says you need this or that to be somebody or to make a difference. For me its just living, living one day at a time, in the trust of Him who has given me this affliction, not for my glory, but for His.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006
It gets very boring very quickly in the hospital just because there really is no freedom, like to go outside, walk anywhere you want, its kinda like jail, and your sick and getting nailed with something else even other than imprisonment. Makes me wonder how many other 21 year olds are going through something like this again. I can't help but wonder that, I feel so alone, with this. It is my burden to carry, and mine alone, I realize that, I will continue to live just like normal people who don't have cancer or the pain that I carry around yet still smile about, cause I know that I as long as I'm alive I have reason to be, simply that God still wants me here.

Friday, January 5, 2007
Been thinking about how so many people look forward to so many things and when they get there, they look forward to something else, its like a cycle that never ends. I think this happens in life too much, we find ourselves in high school wanting not to be there waiting for the day that we start college. When we get to college and get used to it, we long for the day we graduate, so we can get a job. When we land that great job, what do we have to look forward to? Retirement? Perhaps we should look at life differently, that what is, is now. We long so much to see our dreams and goals achieved, yet when we do achieve them, we move on as if they never happened, on to another goal, another achievement. Bask in the beauty of the moment, every moment, whether it be a good one or a bad one, you may not have a next "moment" to hate or enjoy at all.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I actually can't believe I made it to 22, two years ago when diagnosed with this, I woulda laughed at you, I seriously thought I'd be dead, but God is good all the time, and I'm living in His grace day by day.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007
It is good to think back about how things used to be with me. I was excited that I was going to be a missionary, my heart was for people in other countries that have never heard the gospel before, and I was going to be a part of that! Now, I am in a different place and a different time. I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to do specifically for me. I flounder in so many ways, beckoned by obscure reasonings of other people only to come to the conclusion that reason alone will not suffice truth, no matter how hard I try. Perhaps God has given me this cancer to get me thinking deeper about issues that can be answered so easily by theology, the Bible and pastors or professors, but so hard to come by when you have to make the actual choice on a difficult matter. Maybe it is the experiential maturing that I need to someday use as a gift to other people, or perhaps it is a lesson that life is hard, and it should be that way because thats what makes it worth living for. I thank God for all the blessings he's brought into my life. People who come from understanding backgrounds, people who have been through hell, and come out praising God for their afflictions not because it made them stronger Christians, but stronger Christians who "have been there". They are an encouragement to me beyond words.

Thursday, March 15, 2007
Today I realized how much I don't fit in still. I'm so different from people, my worldview is lightyears away from most peoples. We don't even think about the same things. I feel that all of my friends are awesome friends and they relate as best as they can to me, but at times I still feel at loss for somebody to really connect to. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Perhaps I need to see what other people are thinking, understand who they are, to take some time to sit down with somebody and just talk for a couple of hours. I hope "normalcy" comes soon, I want to be one of you again.

Thursday, July 26, 2007
Human-ness, if there even is something else, just doesn't seem to be for me.

There is one note that has struck me the most, so I saved it for last...written almost 3 years ago exactly.

Why I am excited to die

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Sorry for a such a strange title, don't worry, I have no intentions of committing suicide of any sort. I just came to the realization that death is so much closer to us than any of us think. I am exicted to die to see what reality of life is beyond this. I have hope that what I believe as a Christian is what will happen. I will not be naive and say that I know 100% that when I die I will go to heaven, I have a hope grounded in faith, not blind faith, but a faith that is backed up by many evidences and rational that I will go to heaven. You can't really know anything 100%, but you sure can come close, faith takes you the rest of the way. Another reason for being excited is that I won't have to deal with this cancer crap anymore, It'll be done and instead of a body of flesh and bones, I'll be a body of flesh and spirit! I can't see getting bone cancer if I don't have any bones! haha

On the flip side, I realize the scaryness of death. What if I am completely and utterly wrong about the afterlife? What if things are exactly the opposite of what I now believe? What happens then? I am also coming to realize that death is lonely, even if you die in the presence of other people, it is something that you do utterly alone when you are "gone", well unless you join the huge massive collection of souls as some hindu's and buddhists believe.

In conclusion though, I feel that I my purpose here is not over, that I have many things to look forward to... meeting new people, traveling new places, developing relationships, and pouring myself out for others. If I can do these things I think I will have fulfilled a good part of my purpose for living.

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