I don't know if it's possible to actually feel your heart breaking, but if it is - then I am feeling it now. I don't know where the tears keep coming from, but I just can't seem to stop them.
Isaac is in a hospital bed in our dining room and I am on an air mattress next to him. I can't believe we're at this point. I can't believe it happened so fast. Last Sunday, we were at church. We spent the day doing normal "Sunday" things. Then Monday, it was like a switch was flipped and my husband was gone. He turned into this groggy, loopy person almost overnight.
I miss him. I looked over at him, sleeping peacefully in his hospital bed, and thought how he looks normal when he's sleeping. He just looks like my regular Isaac when he's sleeping. And the tears started...and haven't stopped. I just miss him so much. It's so hard to sit with him, and know that it's not really him. It makes me miss him even more, because he's right here with me, yet he's gone. I pulled out the video from our wedding just so I could hear his normal voice again.
I am broken. I am praying for just 5 minutes of my old husband, just 5 minutes to tell him how much I love him and make sure he is okay with dying. I am scared that somehow he is not okay. I can't believe how hard this is.