Sunday, January 31, 2010


I don't know if it's possible to actually feel your heart breaking, but if it is - then I am feeling it now. I don't know where the tears keep coming from, but I just can't seem to stop them.

Isaac is in a hospital bed in our dining room and I am on an air mattress next to him. I can't believe we're at this point. I can't believe it happened so fast. Last Sunday, we were at church. We spent the day doing normal "Sunday" things. Then Monday, it was like a switch was flipped and my husband was gone. He turned into this groggy, loopy person almost overnight.

I miss him. I looked over at him, sleeping peacefully in his hospital bed, and thought how he looks normal when he's sleeping. He just looks like my regular Isaac when he's sleeping. And the tears started...and haven't stopped. I just miss him so much. It's so hard to sit with him, and know that it's not really him. It makes me miss him even more, because he's right here with me, yet he's gone. I pulled out the video from our wedding just so I could hear his normal voice again.

I am broken. I am praying for just 5 minutes of my old husband, just 5 minutes to tell him how much I love him and make sure he is okay with dying. I am scared that somehow he is not okay. I can't believe how hard this is.


  1. I told Herb last after small group one of these times I am going to start crying and it's not going to stop. I feel like I would be so angry at God right now...I am angry at God. Where do you get your strength? Well, this I know the answer to.

    God, please don't let this hurt be in vain. DO something good with it.

  2. He knows you love him. He has always known that and he always will. While Isaac is certainly not ready to leave you, you know he is ready to run into the arms of the One who created him. It will be Isaac's first moment of a joy we can only imagine, an unspeakable joy. Knowing that will be a source of great comfort for you. And you will be a much stronger Christian for having loved Isaac the way you do. I am praying for you, everyday.

  3. Your strength amazes me too! I am so blessed to have you as my sister in this life. Always thinking and praying for you and Isaac.

  4. I came across your blog through a link on my cousin, Michelle's, blog. Reading all of your posts just now, I have been so blessed and encouraged. I needed this today! I can see God all through your posts.
    In July 2009, I was in an accident. An intoxicated driver ran a red light and T-boned me on the drivers side. It was amazing I even survived. God has really helped me and even though I have six pelvic breaks I am beginning to walk a bit better. In November it was discovered I had developed blood clots in both lungs as a result of my injuries. God took care of me again. Most recently, I am having trouble with getting my blood regulated and they are not sure what is going on so I am being referred to a hematologist. Not feeling well today, I have been asking God to give me the strength and grace I need for just one day at a time. After reading your post, I realize just how much I have to be thankful for. I cannot imagine the hurt you must be experiencing.
    My heart goes out to you, your husband and family. My brother was diagnosed with Lymphoma at 16. Although I do not know you, I am going to pray for you and your husband during this most difficult time. It is the least I can do but it is the greatest tool that God can use. My prayer for you today is that God wraps His arms around each of you and holds you very close to Himself, that He will give you the strength you need and the physical rest so you will be able to face each day. I know that God will use you for great things. With love, Denise Bailey

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  6. My heart breaks with yours....lifting you to the Father.....lean hard on Him...
    Cindy Foor

  7. Isaac does hear. It's NEVER too late to tell someone what you feel. Share and let him know how special this time has been. Follow your heart Jess. It won't lead you astray. Praying for comfort, wisdom and peace.
    Denise Suereth

  8. I just found this site today from a friend. I had no clue how far advanced Isaac's cancer was.. I keep thinking back to the DR when he was healthy and happy! but I know he's happy with you Jess! Looking at his pictures of him smiling at you... show's how much he loves you! Thank you for being willing to share your journey with us to help us understand just a little! God bless you!