So it's a new year. People are making plans and hopes and dreaming about what the new year will hold for them...and I just keep thinking "2010 is probably going to be the hardest year of my life". It's so strange to approach a year like this. If there was a soundtrack to my life, it definitely would have included some sort of "dun dun dun" ominous music around 12:01am. Because while most are thinking this will be the year they will finally lose the weight, start their families, quit smoking, go on a vacation, start a new job, buy a house, or any number of exciting and fun things - I am thinking...this is probably the year I will lose my husband. This is probably the year that I will watch my dear husband experience great pain. This is going to be the hardest year of my life.
But, I also look to this year with great hope. I know, without any doubt, that God uses every single pain and hurt we go through to make us more like Him. Before I met Isaac, I prayed that God would somehow make me one of those "really faithful" people. You know the kind...they give a testimony at church and you are crying your eyes out by the end at how they followed God through everything and came out better in the end. I wanted to be one of those people. So here I am...enduring a struggle not many experience, often wondering why I ended up here...but always trusting that God is using this for good. God is using every single second of this journey to make me more like Him, to show me who He is, to draw me closer to Him, and to make me more dependent on Him. I cherish the "God moments" we see nearly every day of this journey. I am learning to allow others in - to see me cry, to help in times of need. I am learning that I don't need to do this all on my own - and that I can't.
So, while I know my God is a God of miracles - and He could absolutely heal Isaac any time He chooses - I also know that a miracle is called a miracle because it doesn't happen very often.
Current song on repeat:
"When my world is shaking,
When my heart is breaking,
I never leave Your hands."