Have you ever seen the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"? It was Isaac's favorite movie, the first movie we ever watched together, and has become one of my favorites. I never actually asked Isaac why he loved that movie so much. I knew he liked the characters and the one-liners in the movie. I knew his favorite quote came from that movie (Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.). But it wasn't until recently that it really hit me how very much that movie is about hope. I'm sure some of you are thinking "Um...duh, we knew that all along." Humor me, ok?
Do you know what the last words of that movie are? I HOPE. Isaac had such amazing hope. He loved to share it with others, and remind me of it when times got tough. I love the last lines of the movie. I like to think that if Isaac could choose a movie quote to say as he crossed from earth to Heaven, it would be Red's words: "I am so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel. A freeman at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope I can see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams...I hope."
This movie has been on my mind a lot lately. My favorite line of the movie is "Get busy living, or get busy dying." and everytime I start to mope around or throw myself a pity party, I hear that line in my head. I know that's exactly what Isaac would say to me. He'd say "Jess - get busy living! You'll have plenty of time to talk to me when you get to Heaven! Stop moping around and get busy telling people about Jesus, because Heaven is fantasmatical!" (He made that word up)
So with that all being said, I'm reworking my blogs a bit. I find that I want to share more about my day-to-day life, and the grief is not at the forefront of my life any more. I'm not going to completely stop writing on this blog, but just don't expect to see much here. I've renamed my "The Space Between" blog. Go visit and check out its new name...I think you'll like it.
Thank you for all of your kind messages and encouragement. Thank you for letting me be open and honest, and share my heart with you all - broken and healing. Expect me to keep posting at the other blog about what God continues to do in my life...plus all things random, DIY, crafting, cooking, and otherwise interesting to write about. I hope you'll follow me there!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Soaring
This morning I heard this song on the radio - it is called "I Need You" by The Swift. It is beautiful, and there was one verse that I think describes well what I feel at this point in my journey. I can see the valley, it's still there...but I feel more like I am soaring above it, not of my own strength but with the strength of God.
"Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They're all just passing by
It's not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength."
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Today I Choose
It would be easy today to choose sadness.
It would make sense to choose pain.
It would be simple to just curl up on the couch and cry.
But I will not.
Instead, I choose to feel joy.
Instead, I choose to feel joy.
I choose to remember the happiness.
I choose to be thankful for the time we had.
Today, I choose
Isaac and Jessica Smith
06.26.09
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Watching
One of the phrases I hear all the time is: "Isaac's watching over you!" or something to that effect.
But I disagree.
I don't think he is. In fact, I actually hope he isn't.
If I believed Isaac was watching over me, then for me, everything I believe about Heaven would be wrong.
Heaven is supposed to be this amazing, awe inspiring, beautiful, wonderful, beyond perfect place. There is no pain, no sorrow, no tears in Heaven. So how then, can I think that Isaac would choose to spend his time watching me here on this crummy earth? When we are in Heaven, we are supposed to spend our time worshipping at the feet of God. Why would I think Isaac would choose me over God?
I think that the moment Isaac crossed over into Heaven, he either just in some divine way knew everything important that would happen in the lives of those he loved, or it just didn't matter what was happening here on earth because he was so darn excited to be in Heaven!
If I can equate it to anything, it is sort of like the time I was home with Isaac before he died. I didn't think about what was going on at school, what my students were doing, how my substitute was doing...because the time I was spending with Isaac was so precious and valuable that I didn't care what happened anywhere else. I hope that's how it is for him now, that the time he is spending with God is so sweet and so precious and so wonderful that he doesn't think about life on earth.
I told Isaac I'd be okay. And I am. I think a large part of that comes from this belief that he is not "watching over me". Strange, yes. But, I think if I believed he was watching me, I'd hang on to him more...and he clearly told me that he did not want me to hang to him. Of course I will always love him and I will carry our memories close to my heart.
I believe Isaac is not watching over me, but that's okay...because my Savior sure is!
But I disagree.
I don't think he is. In fact, I actually hope he isn't.
If I believed Isaac was watching over me, then for me, everything I believe about Heaven would be wrong.
Heaven is supposed to be this amazing, awe inspiring, beautiful, wonderful, beyond perfect place. There is no pain, no sorrow, no tears in Heaven. So how then, can I think that Isaac would choose to spend his time watching me here on this crummy earth? When we are in Heaven, we are supposed to spend our time worshipping at the feet of God. Why would I think Isaac would choose me over God?
I think that the moment Isaac crossed over into Heaven, he either just in some divine way knew everything important that would happen in the lives of those he loved, or it just didn't matter what was happening here on earth because he was so darn excited to be in Heaven!
If I can equate it to anything, it is sort of like the time I was home with Isaac before he died. I didn't think about what was going on at school, what my students were doing, how my substitute was doing...because the time I was spending with Isaac was so precious and valuable that I didn't care what happened anywhere else. I hope that's how it is for him now, that the time he is spending with God is so sweet and so precious and so wonderful that he doesn't think about life on earth.
I told Isaac I'd be okay. And I am. I think a large part of that comes from this belief that he is not "watching over me". Strange, yes. But, I think if I believed he was watching me, I'd hang on to him more...and he clearly told me that he did not want me to hang to him. Of course I will always love him and I will carry our memories close to my heart.
I believe Isaac is not watching over me, but that's okay...because my Savior sure is!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Psalm 23
For awhile now I've been meaning to write about the title of this blog. "Walking the Valley" came to me almost instantly when I set out to start writing.
Typically, when I think of Psalm 23, I picture a TV scene - people dressed in black, gathered at a cemetery, standing around a casket, with a priest reading this Psalm. But, the more I have thought about it, the more I think that Psalm isn't for the person who is dead, but rather for those left living. Think about - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" - the dead person isn't walking through that, the dead person is dancing in Heaven! We, the ones left behind, are those who are walking through death's shadow. As I read the Psalm again, I know this Psalm is for those of us left behind. It is a reminder to us, that even when our journey takes us through the darkest valleys, we need not fear when God is with us. He will provide for our every need, lead us in the right direction (even if that's not the easiest way), and save a place in His house for us when it's our time to head there!
The song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman has been one of my favorites throughout this journey. It is based off of Psalm 23, and its first line is "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear." This is exactly how I have been feeling throughout this. So while the name does come from that Psalm, for me it mostly comes from "You Never Let Go", the song. If there is one thing I can say I have learned through this, one thing I can say I absolutely know about God it is - HE NEVER, EVER LETS GO.
Typically, when I think of Psalm 23, I picture a TV scene - people dressed in black, gathered at a cemetery, standing around a casket, with a priest reading this Psalm. But, the more I have thought about it, the more I think that Psalm isn't for the person who is dead, but rather for those left living. Think about - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" - the dead person isn't walking through that, the dead person is dancing in Heaven! We, the ones left behind, are those who are walking through death's shadow. As I read the Psalm again, I know this Psalm is for those of us left behind. It is a reminder to us, that even when our journey takes us through the darkest valleys, we need not fear when God is with us. He will provide for our every need, lead us in the right direction (even if that's not the easiest way), and save a place in His house for us when it's our time to head there!
The song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman has been one of my favorites throughout this journey. It is based off of Psalm 23, and its first line is "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear." This is exactly how I have been feeling throughout this. So while the name does come from that Psalm, for me it mostly comes from "You Never Let Go", the song. If there is one thing I can say I have learned through this, one thing I can say I absolutely know about God it is - HE NEVER, EVER LETS GO.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June
Yep..it's June 1st - my birthday! June...an interesting month. It's my birthday, it's the month school ends, it's the month Isaac and I got married. And, fittingly...it is the month Nick & Friends Sarcoma Foundation is featuring Isaac's story! Check it out!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
When I'm thankful you are not here...
Sunday morning I woke up for church and I was laying in bed thinking about how I miss going to church with Isaac. I was just thinking about how I miss the feeling of finding him in the lobby in his red sweatshirt and hugging him. And then I heard this voice (makes me sound a tad crazy, huh?) that said "Do you miss how I almost never made it sitting through a single church service because of the pain in my hip?" Well... of course not. I hated seeing him in pain.
Things like that have been in my thought process a lot this week - things that make me thankful Isaac is not here. Sounds strange, I know. I wish Isaac was still here, but I wish he was still here and he was completely cancer free and totally healthy. I don't wish he was still here going to get blood drawn twice a week, driving to Pittsburgh for chemos, flying to Houston and just praying there was some treatment. I don't wish he was still here chained to an oxygen tank. I don't wish he was still here taking huge amounts of pain killer just to make it through the day. I don't wish he was still here and I had to check my phone every half hour wondering how he was feeling that day.
Every single day I thank God for freeing Isaac from the chains of cancer. I don't wish Isaac was still here...but I sure wish Heaven had a phone so I could talk to him.
Check this song out - it's called "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay, and it happened to play on my Pandora as I was writing this!
"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face."
Things like that have been in my thought process a lot this week - things that make me thankful Isaac is not here. Sounds strange, I know. I wish Isaac was still here, but I wish he was still here and he was completely cancer free and totally healthy. I don't wish he was still here going to get blood drawn twice a week, driving to Pittsburgh for chemos, flying to Houston and just praying there was some treatment. I don't wish he was still here chained to an oxygen tank. I don't wish he was still here taking huge amounts of pain killer just to make it through the day. I don't wish he was still here and I had to check my phone every half hour wondering how he was feeling that day.
Every single day I thank God for freeing Isaac from the chains of cancer. I don't wish Isaac was still here...but I sure wish Heaven had a phone so I could talk to him.
Check this song out - it's called "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay, and it happened to play on my Pandora as I was writing this!
"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face."
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Best Worst Week Ever
That blog title didn't make sense, did it? It's the best way I can describe this week. It was not a great week...but it was also one of the best weeks I've had since Isaac died. Strange, huh?
It was not a great week because I was feeling extra emotional (it's totally awesome being a woman!) at the beginning of the week, and just found myself overall feeling empty rather often this week. I spent some time this week looking back - looking at old emails (I saved every single email Isaac and I sent each other!), looking at the notes our hospice workers left every day they saw Isaac, and even read all my old blogs (some of which, I actually really forgot about writing). It just reminded me how quickly Isaac's condition went downhill - and how that was the worst part of the entire experience for me.
It was a great week because I have experienced awesome encouragement this week. A group of wonderful gals and I have been emailing each other every day to share what we read in our quiet time (quiet time = time spent with God, reading the Bible, praying, etc.) For a few of us (me included), this meant actually having a quiet time every day - something I've been out of habit in doing. I look forward to their emails every day, knowing I'm going to be encouraged! I also kept hearing really fabulous new songs on the radio at random times every day. And, I got a handwritten letter from a busy college student in the mail today. (a busy college student who spent every day of his last week of winter break sitting in my dining room with Isaac...and harassing my poor overweight cat!)
I was thinking about this idea of a "really good bad week" this morning. And, this verse 'randomly' happened to show up in my quiet time: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." (Psalm 27:13) Um....coincidence? I think not. More like a perfect reminder from God that the reason I have hope...the reason Isaac had hope...was our faith in Christ! The reason I can smile through the tears is how completely confident I am that God is using all of this pain FOR GOOD!
It was not a great week because I was feeling extra emotional (it's totally awesome being a woman!) at the beginning of the week, and just found myself overall feeling empty rather often this week. I spent some time this week looking back - looking at old emails (I saved every single email Isaac and I sent each other!), looking at the notes our hospice workers left every day they saw Isaac, and even read all my old blogs (some of which, I actually really forgot about writing). It just reminded me how quickly Isaac's condition went downhill - and how that was the worst part of the entire experience for me.
It was a great week because I have experienced awesome encouragement this week. A group of wonderful gals and I have been emailing each other every day to share what we read in our quiet time (quiet time = time spent with God, reading the Bible, praying, etc.) For a few of us (me included), this meant actually having a quiet time every day - something I've been out of habit in doing. I look forward to their emails every day, knowing I'm going to be encouraged! I also kept hearing really fabulous new songs on the radio at random times every day. And, I got a handwritten letter from a busy college student in the mail today. (a busy college student who spent every day of his last week of winter break sitting in my dining room with Isaac...and harassing my poor overweight cat!)
I was thinking about this idea of a "really good bad week" this morning. And, this verse 'randomly' happened to show up in my quiet time: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." (Psalm 27:13) Um....coincidence? I think not. More like a perfect reminder from God that the reason I have hope...the reason Isaac had hope...was our faith in Christ! The reason I can smile through the tears is how completely confident I am that God is using all of this pain FOR GOOD!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Grand Canyon - 2 miles
I was reading through some old emails between Isaac and I, and I found this. It is just absolutely, exactly what Isaac wanted his life to be about. So, I'm making him a "guest blogger" today. Enjoy, and be blessed!
I am extremely insecure in the fact that I feel absolutely powerless to accomplish something great in man's eyes. But you know what? I'm actually ok with that. My friends can earn their degrees, get their houses or apartments, cars, tv's, vacations, whatever, etc. I'm fine with them doing that. But I'm not content with doing that. I want to help to change people's hearts and minds to think, and reason more clearly. To make people take a step back from all those material things that make us happy but not joyous. I want to grow to know God more, to love and connect with Him more. When I die, I don't want to leave a legacy, I want my life to be like a sign that points to the Grand Canyon and says: "Grand Canyon 2 miles". Most people will look at the sign and not even think twice about the sign in itself, but instead, will look forward to getting to the Grand Canyon. Do you understand what I mean? I think that is a perfect picture of what God is telling us. I'm there, but I'm not as important as I thought I was. and you know what? I'm ok with that too! God hasn't called us to impress man. He's called us to do what He asks.
I am extremely insecure in the fact that I feel absolutely powerless to accomplish something great in man's eyes. But you know what? I'm actually ok with that. My friends can earn their degrees, get their houses or apartments, cars, tv's, vacations, whatever, etc. I'm fine with them doing that. But I'm not content with doing that. I want to help to change people's hearts and minds to think, and reason more clearly. To make people take a step back from all those material things that make us happy but not joyous. I want to grow to know God more, to love and connect with Him more. When I die, I don't want to leave a legacy, I want my life to be like a sign that points to the Grand Canyon and says: "Grand Canyon 2 miles". Most people will look at the sign and not even think twice about the sign in itself, but instead, will look forward to getting to the Grand Canyon. Do you understand what I mean? I think that is a perfect picture of what God is telling us. I'm there, but I'm not as important as I thought I was. and you know what? I'm ok with that too! God hasn't called us to impress man. He's called us to do what He asks.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Grace Like Rain
Whenever it rains outside, I can't help but sing Todd Agnew's "Grace Like Rain"
...Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me...
...Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me...
So today, I was in my kitchen this evening listening to Pandora (Hillsong Station!) making some salsa and getting my lunch ready tomorrow when "Grace Like Rain" came on. Which, if you've never heard the song, is "Amazing Grace" with an extra chorus. I paused for a moment and just looked outside at the drizzle while I sang the song and this verse stopped me in my tracks:
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we've first begunI've heard it tons and tons of times before. I've sung it many, many times before.
Here's what hit me tonight:
I have to live without Isaac here on earth for a few years...but when I get to Heaven, I will have eternity to spend with him. The song reminds us when we get to Heaven, even after we've been there for ten thousand years...we'll still have that much time and more to sing God's praises! Our time in Heaven never, ever runs out!!! I'll still have all the time in the world to be with my Lord. And I'll have all the time in the world to be with Isaac. When I grasp the number "10,000" years...it makes living the next 60 or so years (Lord willing) here on earth a little easier.
I'm sharing with Chatting at the Sky.
Here's what hit me tonight:
I have to live without Isaac here on earth for a few years...but when I get to Heaven, I will have eternity to spend with him. The song reminds us when we get to Heaven, even after we've been there for ten thousand years...we'll still have that much time and more to sing God's praises! Our time in Heaven never, ever runs out!!! I'll still have all the time in the world to be with my Lord. And I'll have all the time in the world to be with Isaac. When I grasp the number "10,000" years...it makes living the next 60 or so years (Lord willing) here on earth a little easier.
I'm sharing with Chatting at the Sky.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Think Like a Tree
I was going through some poems for my students today and I found this poem I just love! It is simple, but beautiful, and I think depicts much of how I have approached this journey.
Think Like a Tree
by Karen I. Shragg
Soak up the sun
Affirm life's magic
Be graceful in the wind
Stand tall after a storm
Feel refreshed after it rains
Grow strong without notice
Be prepared for each season
Provide shelter to strangers
Hang tough through a cold spell
Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring
Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky
Be still long enough to
hear your own leaves rustling.
I shared this with Melissa at The Inspired Room
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Random thoughts related to moving forward...
It's been a little more than 10 weeks since Isaac died. It felt like April would never end, and now I can't believe we're in the 2nd week of May! It seems things have settled a bit, and thoughts of moving forward come to my mind more often.
The first thing I debate in my mind is my involvement with "activism". Through the past monts, I have had the privelage of meeting many wonderful families and people who have been affected by cancer. Part of me just loves this - I love reaching out to these people, sharing my story, etc. But, part of me wants to step back from this. I know several families who have lost loved ones to cancer and are doing all kinds of wonderful things to raise money and awareness. Many are doing all kinds of awesome things. They have started foundations, are doing awareness events, or starting websites in the name of their loved one. For awhile, I had the thought that when Isaac died, I would do something like this. Isaac and I had talked about starting a soccer tournament through his high school soccer team and after he died, someone approached me about starting a memorial run in Isaac's name.
A small part of me wants to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to raise awareness and champion this cause. But...most of me does not. Is that selfish? Maybe. I am 28, and the rest of my life - Lord willing - could be 60+ more years! I remember a conversation Isaac and I had just a few days after we called hospice. We talked about what my life would be like after he died, and Isaac told me he wanted me to move forward. He said he had thought about writing me a letter to read after he died, but decided not to because he didn't want me to have anything I felt like I had to hang on to. He said he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning over him. So, for me, if I spent the rest of my life championing the cause of osteosarcoma awareness, I think I'd never really move forward. And that's not what Isaac wanted, and it's not what I want either.
I will keep writing, I will keep reaching out, I will maintain the friendships with others through this time...I'm just not going to organize fundraisers and run races and do things like that. To those who are doing those things, I think you are awesome and you need to keep doing it for those like me, who just can't.
The other issue related to "moving forward" is about dating. I've had the "are you ready/when will you be ready to date" conversation with several people over the past few weeks. So I thought I'd just go ahead and write about it! Am I ready to date? Easy answer: yes. I miss having that 'someone' - like on Grey's Anatomny when Christina tells Meredith "You're my person" - I miss having "my person". It occurred to me though one day, that while I am ready to entertain the idea of - someday in the future - dating again, I am not ready right now. I recently got a new car, and when I was cleaning out my old car one of the things I moved and immediately placed in the new car was the "I love you" post it note Isaac had left in my car one morning. That was when I knew - I am not ready to put Isaac away. Being really, truly ready to date again would mean that I would put things like that post-it note away. And I can't do that yet. I like being reminded every single day when I get in my car, that he loved me. So, that's where I am. Someday I'll "get back out there" and date again. Am I ready? Yes, and no. Will I write about it when I do start dating? Yes.
Disclaimer: No one in my life has made me feel like I need to date again. No one has pressured me. No one has asked about it in such a way to make me feel bad. It's just a question I've been asked, and I wanted to answer. I know it will take time, I know I will know when I'm ready.
The first thing I debate in my mind is my involvement with "activism". Through the past monts, I have had the privelage of meeting many wonderful families and people who have been affected by cancer. Part of me just loves this - I love reaching out to these people, sharing my story, etc. But, part of me wants to step back from this. I know several families who have lost loved ones to cancer and are doing all kinds of wonderful things to raise money and awareness. Many are doing all kinds of awesome things. They have started foundations, are doing awareness events, or starting websites in the name of their loved one. For awhile, I had the thought that when Isaac died, I would do something like this. Isaac and I had talked about starting a soccer tournament through his high school soccer team and after he died, someone approached me about starting a memorial run in Isaac's name.
A small part of me wants to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to raise awareness and champion this cause. But...most of me does not. Is that selfish? Maybe. I am 28, and the rest of my life - Lord willing - could be 60+ more years! I remember a conversation Isaac and I had just a few days after we called hospice. We talked about what my life would be like after he died, and Isaac told me he wanted me to move forward. He said he had thought about writing me a letter to read after he died, but decided not to because he didn't want me to have anything I felt like I had to hang on to. He said he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning over him. So, for me, if I spent the rest of my life championing the cause of osteosarcoma awareness, I think I'd never really move forward. And that's not what Isaac wanted, and it's not what I want either.
I will keep writing, I will keep reaching out, I will maintain the friendships with others through this time...I'm just not going to organize fundraisers and run races and do things like that. To those who are doing those things, I think you are awesome and you need to keep doing it for those like me, who just can't.
The other issue related to "moving forward" is about dating. I've had the "are you ready/when will you be ready to date" conversation with several people over the past few weeks. So I thought I'd just go ahead and write about it! Am I ready to date? Easy answer: yes. I miss having that 'someone' - like on Grey's Anatomny when Christina tells Meredith "You're my person" - I miss having "my person". It occurred to me though one day, that while I am ready to entertain the idea of - someday in the future - dating again, I am not ready right now. I recently got a new car, and when I was cleaning out my old car one of the things I moved and immediately placed in the new car was the "I love you" post it note Isaac had left in my car one morning. That was when I knew - I am not ready to put Isaac away. Being really, truly ready to date again would mean that I would put things like that post-it note away. And I can't do that yet. I like being reminded every single day when I get in my car, that he loved me. So, that's where I am. Someday I'll "get back out there" and date again. Am I ready? Yes, and no. Will I write about it when I do start dating? Yes.
Disclaimer: No one in my life has made me feel like I need to date again. No one has pressured me. No one has asked about it in such a way to make me feel bad. It's just a question I've been asked, and I wanted to answer. I know it will take time, I know I will know when I'm ready.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thoughts on Bitterness
Bitterness. It's a word that has been on my heart this past week. It's been almost 10 weeks since Isaac died, and I can honestly say: I am NOT bitter. Have you ever heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant? There's a line in that song that says: "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow."
I credit more of my peace to God. I remember one night before Isaac and I were married. We had just gotten scans back that said there was cancer in his pelvis again. I was so angry and afraid. I cried and sobbed and screamed at God (and Isaac). I was so angry and felt like God had let me down. Something about that night really hit me and I asked God to change my angry heart. Rather than playing solely for Isaac's healing, I began praying for peace no matter what happened. I prayed God's will to be done, and that He'd just grant us strength and grace in the journey. I could no longer feel "God let me down" when I prayed that way. I began seeing His grace in my life. That's where my peace comes from.
I've heard the cliche "Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies." and I believe that's true. No good could come from my being bitter. I hope though, as I share with you what God is teaching me, good will come from my choice to embrace peace.
P.S. Did you see I started a new blog? It's called "The Space Between"! Check it out! You can see pictures of the repainted dining room!
That's how I feel about each day. Every day I have 2 choices when it comes to bitterness: I can choose that hand, choose to be angry at God, choose to let the anger overwhelm me. Or...I can choose the wise hand. In flower language, lilies of the valley symbolize the return of happiness. I can choose to focus on being angry and bitter, or I can choose to focus on peace.
I credit a large part of my peace to Isaac. I started dating, fell in love with, and married him all with the full knowledge that he had cancer. We never sugar coated the reality of our situation. He never promised me we'd grow old together, and somewhere inside me I always knew that too.
I credit more of my peace to God. I remember one night before Isaac and I were married. We had just gotten scans back that said there was cancer in his pelvis again. I was so angry and afraid. I cried and sobbed and screamed at God (and Isaac). I was so angry and felt like God had let me down. Something about that night really hit me and I asked God to change my angry heart. Rather than playing solely for Isaac's healing, I began praying for peace no matter what happened. I prayed God's will to be done, and that He'd just grant us strength and grace in the journey. I could no longer feel "God let me down" when I prayed that way. I began seeing His grace in my life. That's where my peace comes from.
I remember one day during our time with hospice, when Barb (Isaac's mom) and I were standing in the kitchen talking. She said that some of the women in her Bible study said things to her like "I just can't imagine losing a child like you are", and she very calmly said "That's because you weren't called to lose a child. God has called me to this." I 100% know what she means. That is where my peace comes from - knowing that this was God's plan. Of course I am sad, hurt, broken hearted, and lonely. But admist all of that - there is peace. God is bringing me through something I never thought I'd be able to survive; how can I do anything but trust Him through every other circumstance in my life?
I've heard the cliche "Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies." and I believe that's true. No good could come from my being bitter. I hope though, as I share with you what God is teaching me, good will come from my choice to embrace peace.
P.S. Did you see I started a new blog? It's called "The Space Between"! Check it out! You can see pictures of the repainted dining room!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A letter (tears flowing!)
Dear Isaac,
I hope you are having a great time on your tour of the world with God. I know you've probably seen every bird you ever talked about wanting to see, and every nook and cranny of our earth by now. I wish I could be on that tour with you, but I guess when I get there, you'll just have to be my tour guide. You can show me all the things you know about Heaven that I don't know yet, and "na-na-na-na boo boo" at me that you know more than I do!!
Things back here on earth are going okay. I always told you I'd be okay, and I am. I just miss you. I remember that I used to tell you the part of your death I dreaded most was the time between "There's nothing more we can do for Isaac" and your last breath. But now, I think the past 2 weeks have been the hardest. At least during your last month, when I was sad, I could climb into your hospital bed and even though you were totally loopy and out of it, you'd still give me a kiss. I remember one time I was crying, and you pointed at my tears and said "I'm not sure what all this is about"...and it made me laugh. You always made me laugh no matter how bad I was feeling.
Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I'd do differently if I could have a "do over" with our relationship. The only thing I can come up with is...I'd have married you sooner. If I had known that we'd get just 8 short months of married life, I'd have had you drive us straight from Wildwood Lake where you proposed, to the courthouse in downtown York. I'd have started our married life immediately.
I loved being your wife. I miss waking up beside you every morning and coming home to you at the end of every day. I miss cooking for you, and the silly things you did like putting way too much cheese in your chili. I miss how hard you worked at being a great husband, and how proud you were everytime you did something "husbandy" like mowing the lawn or fixing something around the house. I miss how much you cared for the youth at our church, how you wanted Charley and Weston to seek passionately after God, and how you found creative ways to demonstrate His love for them even when they least suspected it. I miss how you encouraged people like Kreeger, and Caleb, and Chris (all of them!) to question and wonder and speak openly about their faith. I miss how you always had to try to do things better than Ned, I think iron definitely sharpened iron in your relationship with him - you two always tried to outdo each other, but you both came out better in the end because of it. I miss how did things like buy a book on reptiles for a hurting teen, not because you wanted to try to win him over or something, but just because you knew he liked reptiles and the book made you think of him. I miss your excitement over the fact that we could have lots of "couple friends", and through that I met the McGinnis's and the Suereths. I miss how much you loved your sweet sister, how you were so proud of the way she was seeking to find her own walk with Lord and you always wanted to hang out more with Abbi. I miss how much you wanted to learn from your dad, and how even though you would nag at your mom, you always said "my mom is AWESOME".
But the thing I miss most of all is the way you encouraged and loved me. Whenever I was having a really bad day, or something really important was happening like a job interview or an observation, you'd send me text messages and emails to remind me that you loved me...and when I'd come home, you'd tell me you prayed for me all day and then you'd ask me about every little detail. I remember one Monday morning, after a Sunday night I spent REALLY not wanting to go to work the next day, I woke up to find a sticky note with "I love you" written on it stuck to the cabinet in the kitchen...and another on the bathroom mirror, and on the steering wheel of my car, and on the page of the book I was reading, and inside my computer screen when I opened my laptop. I miss you.
I know that you are so happy now...happy to be free of cancer and enjoying all that God has to offer in Heaven, and I rejoice for you every day. It's just lonelier down here on earth now that you're gone.
I can't wait to see you again! I love you!
Still your wife,
Jess
P.S. Could you please ask God to let you use Facebook from Heaven so I can keep updated on your status? Thanks.
I hope you are having a great time on your tour of the world with God. I know you've probably seen every bird you ever talked about wanting to see, and every nook and cranny of our earth by now. I wish I could be on that tour with you, but I guess when I get there, you'll just have to be my tour guide. You can show me all the things you know about Heaven that I don't know yet, and "na-na-na-na boo boo" at me that you know more than I do!!
Things back here on earth are going okay. I always told you I'd be okay, and I am. I just miss you. I remember that I used to tell you the part of your death I dreaded most was the time between "There's nothing more we can do for Isaac" and your last breath. But now, I think the past 2 weeks have been the hardest. At least during your last month, when I was sad, I could climb into your hospital bed and even though you were totally loopy and out of it, you'd still give me a kiss. I remember one time I was crying, and you pointed at my tears and said "I'm not sure what all this is about"...and it made me laugh. You always made me laugh no matter how bad I was feeling.
Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I'd do differently if I could have a "do over" with our relationship. The only thing I can come up with is...I'd have married you sooner. If I had known that we'd get just 8 short months of married life, I'd have had you drive us straight from Wildwood Lake where you proposed, to the courthouse in downtown York. I'd have started our married life immediately.
I loved being your wife. I miss waking up beside you every morning and coming home to you at the end of every day. I miss cooking for you, and the silly things you did like putting way too much cheese in your chili. I miss how hard you worked at being a great husband, and how proud you were everytime you did something "husbandy" like mowing the lawn or fixing something around the house. I miss how much you cared for the youth at our church, how you wanted Charley and Weston to seek passionately after God, and how you found creative ways to demonstrate His love for them even when they least suspected it. I miss how you encouraged people like Kreeger, and Caleb, and Chris (all of them!) to question and wonder and speak openly about their faith. I miss how you always had to try to do things better than Ned, I think iron definitely sharpened iron in your relationship with him - you two always tried to outdo each other, but you both came out better in the end because of it. I miss how did things like buy a book on reptiles for a hurting teen, not because you wanted to try to win him over or something, but just because you knew he liked reptiles and the book made you think of him. I miss your excitement over the fact that we could have lots of "couple friends", and through that I met the McGinnis's and the Suereths. I miss how much you loved your sweet sister, how you were so proud of the way she was seeking to find her own walk with Lord and you always wanted to hang out more with Abbi. I miss how much you wanted to learn from your dad, and how even though you would nag at your mom, you always said "my mom is AWESOME".
But the thing I miss most of all is the way you encouraged and loved me. Whenever I was having a really bad day, or something really important was happening like a job interview or an observation, you'd send me text messages and emails to remind me that you loved me...and when I'd come home, you'd tell me you prayed for me all day and then you'd ask me about every little detail. I remember one Monday morning, after a Sunday night I spent REALLY not wanting to go to work the next day, I woke up to find a sticky note with "I love you" written on it stuck to the cabinet in the kitchen...and another on the bathroom mirror, and on the steering wheel of my car, and on the page of the book I was reading, and inside my computer screen when I opened my laptop. I miss you.
I know that you are so happy now...happy to be free of cancer and enjoying all that God has to offer in Heaven, and I rejoice for you every day. It's just lonelier down here on earth now that you're gone.
I can't wait to see you again! I love you!
Still your wife,
Jess
P.S. Could you please ask God to let you use Facebook from Heaven so I can keep updated on your status? Thanks.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A Psalm 6 kind of mood
The past few days I've been feeling a bit like David in Psalm 6. Today marks 7 weeks without Isaac. And I think it finally sunk in.
The first 2 weeks or so, I was so overcome with relief that I didn't feel the grief - I was just so glad that he was in a better place, not feeling any pain, and that neither of us had to worry about cancer or doctors or medical bills anymore. Then, I went back to work and was able to distract myself with my work friends and my students. But the beginning of this week it was like it all just hit me. I wanted to curl up in my bed with my cats and just sob (which, I did last night). The reality that life keeps going on, the days keep going by, and Isaac keeps not being here is finally sinking in. Sunday I was sad, Monday I was weepy, but yesterday was the worst. I cried before I got out of bed, while I brushed my teeth, while I ate breakfast, on my way to school, during my planning period at school, on my way home from school, in the car before going into the gym, in my car after leaving the gym, at the grocery store, and finally at home. This song was my heart's cry: "Homesick" by Mercy Me. "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with you? I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where the heart is, than I'm out of place."
I know there are many, many people in my life who I could've called to come sit with me while I cried, but really - the only person I wanted to be there was Isaac. I think that's been the hardest part of this whole experience. The one person I want to be there while I am crying is the person I am crying about.
Really, I expected him to still be here at this point. When we were in Houston in December, we made plans to return for another appointment over Easter weekend. Isaac was determined to make it to at least April 6th, so he could say he was one of the 1 in 5 osteosarcoma patients to live past 5 years. If you knew Isaac, than you know he was STUBBORN, and I thought surely if he set his mind to living until April 6th, he'd live until April 6th.
So today, I'm trying to have an Isaiah 61 kind of day - "God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes" (v. 3) - and allow God to take my pain and use it for good. I feel better so far today - much more emotionally stable! I didn't even cry this morning when I pulled out the toothpaste tube and saw "12/21/09" written on it, which Isaac did because he wanted to see how long it took us to use the whole tube. That's such an "Isaac thing" to do, isn't it?
The first 2 weeks or so, I was so overcome with relief that I didn't feel the grief - I was just so glad that he was in a better place, not feeling any pain, and that neither of us had to worry about cancer or doctors or medical bills anymore. Then, I went back to work and was able to distract myself with my work friends and my students. But the beginning of this week it was like it all just hit me. I wanted to curl up in my bed with my cats and just sob (which, I did last night). The reality that life keeps going on, the days keep going by, and Isaac keeps not being here is finally sinking in. Sunday I was sad, Monday I was weepy, but yesterday was the worst. I cried before I got out of bed, while I brushed my teeth, while I ate breakfast, on my way to school, during my planning period at school, on my way home from school, in the car before going into the gym, in my car after leaving the gym, at the grocery store, and finally at home. This song was my heart's cry: "Homesick" by Mercy Me. "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with you? I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where the heart is, than I'm out of place."
I know there are many, many people in my life who I could've called to come sit with me while I cried, but really - the only person I wanted to be there was Isaac. I think that's been the hardest part of this whole experience. The one person I want to be there while I am crying is the person I am crying about.
Really, I expected him to still be here at this point. When we were in Houston in December, we made plans to return for another appointment over Easter weekend. Isaac was determined to make it to at least April 6th, so he could say he was one of the 1 in 5 osteosarcoma patients to live past 5 years. If you knew Isaac, than you know he was STUBBORN, and I thought surely if he set his mind to living until April 6th, he'd live until April 6th.
So today, I'm trying to have an Isaiah 61 kind of day - "God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes" (v. 3) - and allow God to take my pain and use it for good. I feel better so far today - much more emotionally stable! I didn't even cry this morning when I pulled out the toothpaste tube and saw "12/21/09" written on it, which Isaac did because he wanted to see how long it took us to use the whole tube. That's such an "Isaac thing" to do, isn't it?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Put your sword away!
Twice this weekend the same passage of Scripture came up for me. Once on Saturday while I was doing some devotions, and once today during Pastor Ed's message. In both contexts, it was about forgiveness. I've prayed and prayed if there was anyone in my life I was struggling to forgive, and have come up empty. (That's a good thing, yay for good people in my life!) But, as I mulled over this passage in my mind, I realized there was a lesson for me in the words.
"When he had finished praying, Jesus left with his disciples and crossed the Kidron Valley. On the other side there was an olive grove, and he and his disciples went into it. Now Judas, who betrayed him, knew the place, because Jesus had often met there with his disciples. So Judas came to the grove, guiding a detachment of soldiers and some officials from the chief priests and Pharisees. They were carrying torches, lanterns and weapons.
Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?"
"Jesus of Nazareth," they replied.
"I am he," Jesus said. (And Judas the traitor was standing there with them.)
When Jesus said, "I am he," they drew back and fell to the ground.
Again he asked them, "Who is it you want?"
And they said, "Jesus of Nazareth."
"I told you that I am he," Jesus answered. "If you are looking for me, then let these men go."
This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled: "I have not lost one of those you gave me."
Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest's servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant's name was Malchus.)
Jesus commanded Peter, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?"
(John 18:1-11)
Peter...the disciple so many of us identify with. As Pastor Ed said, he seemed to have a "foot shaped mouth", always saying the wrong thing or making some kind of mistake. He acted before he thought things out. Peter swore his allegiance to Jesus. If you were passionately loyal to someone, like Peter was to Jesus, and their life was being threatened...and you had a sword...wouldn't you do something about it? Peter did. He reached out with his sword and took a swipe at that soldier, cutting off his ear. The thing is, Jesus never asked him to do that. Jesus never wanted Peter to fight a battle for him. Jesus knew that He was to follow in God's will, even if that will meant His own death on the cross.
I felt a bit Peter-ish in our battle against cancer. Like I was cutting off ears in an effort to save Isaac, when his earthly healing was never God's plan. I read about other people brandishing their swords in the battle against cancer, too. Cutting off an ear here, maybe a finger, if you're lucky - a whole leg...refusing to accept that their loved one's cup might be death. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm certainly not saying that I think anyone fighting cancer with a poor prognosis should just give up. But, during Isaac's last weeks here, I was the one who had to decide it was useless to continue giving him treatment. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. But, looking back, I know that giving him another IV of medication would have been like Peter cutting off that soldier's ear. Sure it might have hurt the cancer a little bit, but it wasn't going to stop it and it wasn't going to prevent or even prolong the inevitable. It was in that decision, that God said to me "Put your sword away!" and asked me to just allow Isaac to drink the cup God had given him.
That's where my peace comes from. That's why when people ask me "How are you doing" with a sad look in their eyes, I can look back at them and smile and say "Better than I ever expected to be". I am just so sure that Isaac is in Heaven and that this was God's plan all along. I also know that if I can get through this time in my life, God will get me through anything. He didn't abandon me in this time of need, He is right by my side every single step of the way. I'll just keep putting my own sword away, and let Him fight it out for me!
"When he had finished praying, Jesus left with his disciples and crossed the Kidron Valley. On the other side there was an olive grove, and he and his disciples went into it. Now Judas, who betrayed him, knew the place, because Jesus had often met there with his disciples. So Judas came to the grove, guiding a detachment of soldiers and some officials from the chief priests and Pharisees. They were carrying torches, lanterns and weapons.
Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?"
"Jesus of Nazareth," they replied.
"I am he," Jesus said. (And Judas the traitor was standing there with them.)
When Jesus said, "I am he," they drew back and fell to the ground.
Again he asked them, "Who is it you want?"
And they said, "Jesus of Nazareth."
"I told you that I am he," Jesus answered. "If you are looking for me, then let these men go."
This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled: "I have not lost one of those you gave me."
Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest's servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant's name was Malchus.)
Jesus commanded Peter, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?"
(John 18:1-11)
Peter...the disciple so many of us identify with. As Pastor Ed said, he seemed to have a "foot shaped mouth", always saying the wrong thing or making some kind of mistake. He acted before he thought things out. Peter swore his allegiance to Jesus. If you were passionately loyal to someone, like Peter was to Jesus, and their life was being threatened...and you had a sword...wouldn't you do something about it? Peter did. He reached out with his sword and took a swipe at that soldier, cutting off his ear. The thing is, Jesus never asked him to do that. Jesus never wanted Peter to fight a battle for him. Jesus knew that He was to follow in God's will, even if that will meant His own death on the cross.
I felt a bit Peter-ish in our battle against cancer. Like I was cutting off ears in an effort to save Isaac, when his earthly healing was never God's plan. I read about other people brandishing their swords in the battle against cancer, too. Cutting off an ear here, maybe a finger, if you're lucky - a whole leg...refusing to accept that their loved one's cup might be death. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm certainly not saying that I think anyone fighting cancer with a poor prognosis should just give up. But, during Isaac's last weeks here, I was the one who had to decide it was useless to continue giving him treatment. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. But, looking back, I know that giving him another IV of medication would have been like Peter cutting off that soldier's ear. Sure it might have hurt the cancer a little bit, but it wasn't going to stop it and it wasn't going to prevent or even prolong the inevitable. It was in that decision, that God said to me "Put your sword away!" and asked me to just allow Isaac to drink the cup God had given him.
That's where my peace comes from. That's why when people ask me "How are you doing" with a sad look in their eyes, I can look back at them and smile and say "Better than I ever expected to be". I am just so sure that Isaac is in Heaven and that this was God's plan all along. I also know that if I can get through this time in my life, God will get me through anything. He didn't abandon me in this time of need, He is right by my side every single step of the way. I'll just keep putting my own sword away, and let Him fight it out for me!
Friday, April 9, 2010
My Message
My friend Michelle shared a video with me today that brought me to tears sobs. You may remember a post I wrote back at the end of January, where I was just hoping for a few minutes with a lucid, "normal" Isaac to make sure he was okay with dying and just talk to him. I never had that. From that weekend in January on, Isaac was never "Isaac" again. There were things he did that showed us he was still there, and we did have conversations where he told me in his loopy voice that I was doing a great job taking care of me, and that he said when he got to Heaven he wouldn't have to worry about all the cancer anymore, and that he was just plain exhausted. But I never got even one minute of regular Isaac again.
Then Michelle sent me this video, and I'm pretty sure it's the "sign" or "message from Heaven" I've been waiting for - the message that tells me that Isaac is okay and that he was okay with the portion God had given him even unto death. I think if Isaac could video tape his thoughts in his last month of life, it'd sound a lot like this guy:
Then Michelle sent me this video, and I'm pretty sure it's the "sign" or "message from Heaven" I've been waiting for - the message that tells me that Isaac is okay and that he was okay with the portion God had given him even unto death. I think if Isaac could video tape his thoughts in his last month of life, it'd sound a lot like this guy:
Monday, April 5, 2010
Life Change
I'd never really thought about it before, but this time of year was a time of significant life change for both Isaac and myself. For me, it was April 4, 2004 that I went to see a co-worker in the Easter play at my church, and one week later began my journey with Jesus. For Isaac, it was 5 years ago today - April 5, 2005 - that his doctor told him the nagging knee pain was osteosarcoma.
I was looking back through some messages I'd sent Isaac on Facebook, before we even were dating, and in one I said that I just prayed that: 1) God would continue to show Himself to be faithful to Isaac, and 2) God would do something to remind Isaac that he was not fighting this battle with cancer alone. I realize looking back, that I think I was the answer to my own prayer! God took a little over 3 years to bring Isaac and I into each other's lives, but the perparations He made for us to be right for each other began long before that.
Going through life is like putting together a puzzle without the picture on the box to guide you. Sometimes, you have no idea what pieces go where, how the pieces all fit together, or what the picture is going to look like in the end. But, then you find that all those random pieces somehow do fit together to make something unexpectedly perfect.
I was looking back through some messages I'd sent Isaac on Facebook, before we even were dating, and in one I said that I just prayed that: 1) God would continue to show Himself to be faithful to Isaac, and 2) God would do something to remind Isaac that he was not fighting this battle with cancer alone. I realize looking back, that I think I was the answer to my own prayer! God took a little over 3 years to bring Isaac and I into each other's lives, but the perparations He made for us to be right for each other began long before that.
Going through life is like putting together a puzzle without the picture on the box to guide you. Sometimes, you have no idea what pieces go where, how the pieces all fit together, or what the picture is going to look like in the end. But, then you find that all those random pieces somehow do fit together to make something unexpectedly perfect.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Breakdown!
Today marks 5 weeks since Isaac left this world. I really prefer to write about the times when I am feeling most hopeful, most filled with peace, most joyous...but this week I had my first major "breakdown" since Isaac died. Sure I've cried...I've cried hard...I've sobbed - but this was my first uncontrollable-curled up in a ball-half a BJs box of tissues kind of episode.
Maybe it was because I spent most of the weekend alone - which though not unusual in my pre-Isaac days, was a change from the past 2 1/2 years of my life - I don't know, maybe it was just my mind and spirit finally settling into the reality of my loss. Whatever it was, I found myself a shattered mess on Sunday night. All late afternoon/evening I was mopey, I cried here and there out of the blue. I decided maybe looking at our wedding pictures would help - I knew it would probably keep me crying, but I thought maybe seeing the happiness would help dry my tears. As I was looking through the photos, I came across one of our wedding ceremony that I hadn't looked closely at before. In this photo, I could see the look on Isaac's face that he gave me the whole way through our ceremony. I never expected to cry like I did at our wedding, but I told Isaac later that the reason I kept crying was because everytime I looked at him he was looking back at me with such a deep and intense love in his eyes that it brought me to tears. If you've ever spent any time with the two of us, you probably know this look - a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. When I saw that picture, and saw that look - it finally hit me what I miss most with him being gone.
I miss being loved by him.
I never really thought about that. I knew I'd miss talking to him, hugging him, laughing with him, crying with him, falling asleep next to him, all of that stuff - but I never thought about how when he died, I'd never experience being loved by him again. Isaac loved me with this all consuming passion and wild abandon. He would've done absolutely anything to make me happy. It takes a lot of patience to put up with me sometimes (right, Mom and Dad?), and he was so gentle and caring and selfless when it came to being my husband and loving me. Being loved by someone like that is absolutely, hands down, the BEST feeling ever. It's like God took everything good in the world and wrapped all up and presented it to you in a gift. I like to think that feeling is just the way we'll feel every single second of every single day when we get to Heaven.
Our wedding ceremony...
Maybe it was because I spent most of the weekend alone - which though not unusual in my pre-Isaac days, was a change from the past 2 1/2 years of my life - I don't know, maybe it was just my mind and spirit finally settling into the reality of my loss. Whatever it was, I found myself a shattered mess on Sunday night. All late afternoon/evening I was mopey, I cried here and there out of the blue. I decided maybe looking at our wedding pictures would help - I knew it would probably keep me crying, but I thought maybe seeing the happiness would help dry my tears. As I was looking through the photos, I came across one of our wedding ceremony that I hadn't looked closely at before. In this photo, I could see the look on Isaac's face that he gave me the whole way through our ceremony. I never expected to cry like I did at our wedding, but I told Isaac later that the reason I kept crying was because everytime I looked at him he was looking back at me with such a deep and intense love in his eyes that it brought me to tears. If you've ever spent any time with the two of us, you probably know this look - a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. When I saw that picture, and saw that look - it finally hit me what I miss most with him being gone.
I miss being loved by him.
I never really thought about that. I knew I'd miss talking to him, hugging him, laughing with him, crying with him, falling asleep next to him, all of that stuff - but I never thought about how when he died, I'd never experience being loved by him again. Isaac loved me with this all consuming passion and wild abandon. He would've done absolutely anything to make me happy. It takes a lot of patience to put up with me sometimes (right, Mom and Dad?), and he was so gentle and caring and selfless when it came to being my husband and loving me. Being loved by someone like that is absolutely, hands down, the BEST feeling ever. It's like God took everything good in the world and wrapped all up and presented it to you in a gift. I like to think that feeling is just the way we'll feel every single second of every single day when we get to Heaven.
Our wedding ceremony...
On that day, we laughed.
On that day, I cried.
On that day, he smiled from ear to ear.
And on that day, I felt loved like never before.
Happy is the heart that still feels pain,
Darkness drains and light will come again.
Swing open up your chest and let it in,
Just let the love, love, love begin.
("Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson)
Photos by Captured Moments Photography
Photos by Captured Moments Photography
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