Today marks 5 weeks since Isaac left this world. I really prefer to write about the times when I am feeling most hopeful, most filled with peace, most joyous...but this week I had my first major "breakdown" since Isaac died. Sure I've cried...I've cried hard...I've sobbed - but this was my first uncontrollable-curled up in a ball-half a BJs box of tissues kind of episode.
Maybe it was because I spent most of the weekend alone - which though not unusual in my pre-Isaac days, was a change from the past 2 1/2 years of my life - I don't know, maybe it was just my mind and spirit finally settling into the reality of my loss. Whatever it was, I found myself a shattered mess on Sunday night. All late afternoon/evening I was mopey, I cried here and there out of the blue. I decided maybe looking at our wedding pictures would help - I knew it would probably keep me crying, but I thought maybe seeing the happiness would help dry my tears. As I was looking through the photos, I came across one of our wedding ceremony that I hadn't looked closely at before. In this photo, I could see the look on Isaac's face that he gave me the whole way through our ceremony. I never expected to cry like I did at our wedding, but I told Isaac later that the reason I kept crying was because everytime I looked at him he was looking back at me with such a deep and intense love in his eyes that it brought me to tears. If you've ever spent any time with the two of us, you probably know this look - a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. When I saw that picture, and saw that look - it finally hit me what I miss most with him being gone.
I miss being loved by him.
I never really thought about that. I knew I'd miss talking to him, hugging him, laughing with him, crying with him, falling asleep next to him, all of that stuff - but I never thought about how when he died, I'd never experience being loved by him again. Isaac loved me with this all consuming passion and wild abandon. He would've done absolutely anything to make me happy. It takes a lot of patience to put up with me sometimes (right, Mom and Dad?), and he was so gentle and caring and selfless when it came to being my husband and loving me. Being loved by someone like that is absolutely, hands down, the BEST feeling ever. It's like God took everything good in the world and wrapped all up and presented it to you in a gift. I like to think that feeling is just the way we'll feel every single second of every single day when we get to Heaven.
Our wedding ceremony...
Maybe it was because I spent most of the weekend alone - which though not unusual in my pre-Isaac days, was a change from the past 2 1/2 years of my life - I don't know, maybe it was just my mind and spirit finally settling into the reality of my loss. Whatever it was, I found myself a shattered mess on Sunday night. All late afternoon/evening I was mopey, I cried here and there out of the blue. I decided maybe looking at our wedding pictures would help - I knew it would probably keep me crying, but I thought maybe seeing the happiness would help dry my tears. As I was looking through the photos, I came across one of our wedding ceremony that I hadn't looked closely at before. In this photo, I could see the look on Isaac's face that he gave me the whole way through our ceremony. I never expected to cry like I did at our wedding, but I told Isaac later that the reason I kept crying was because everytime I looked at him he was looking back at me with such a deep and intense love in his eyes that it brought me to tears. If you've ever spent any time with the two of us, you probably know this look - a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. When I saw that picture, and saw that look - it finally hit me what I miss most with him being gone.
I miss being loved by him.
I never really thought about that. I knew I'd miss talking to him, hugging him, laughing with him, crying with him, falling asleep next to him, all of that stuff - but I never thought about how when he died, I'd never experience being loved by him again. Isaac loved me with this all consuming passion and wild abandon. He would've done absolutely anything to make me happy. It takes a lot of patience to put up with me sometimes (right, Mom and Dad?), and he was so gentle and caring and selfless when it came to being my husband and loving me. Being loved by someone like that is absolutely, hands down, the BEST feeling ever. It's like God took everything good in the world and wrapped all up and presented it to you in a gift. I like to think that feeling is just the way we'll feel every single second of every single day when we get to Heaven.
Our wedding ceremony...
On that day, we laughed.
On that day, I cried.
On that day, he smiled from ear to ear.
And on that day, I felt loved like never before.
Happy is the heart that still feels pain,
Darkness drains and light will come again.
Swing open up your chest and let it in,
Just let the love, love, love begin.
("Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson)
Photos by Captured Moments Photography
Photos by Captured Moments Photography
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Praying for you tonight. love your blog.
ReplyDeleteMichelle's Mommy
You will always be loved that way by Issac. Look inside yourself and you will know that hasn't changed.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder if these quotes might reassure you:
"We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving. Somehow we have it backwards. We think people are doing well when they aren't crying. Grief is a process of walking through some painful periods toward learning to cope again. We do not walk this path without pain and tears. When we are in the most pain, we are making the most progress. When the pain is less, we are coasting and resting up for the next steps. People need to grieve. Grief is not an enemy to be avoided; it is a healing path to be walked."
~ from HOPE Line Newsletter, Aug. 2002; website: www.hopeforbereaved.com
"If I were doing well with my grief,
I would be over in the corner
curled up in a fetal position crying,
not standing here acting like no one has died."
Doug Manning in The Gift of Significance: Walking People Through a Loss
And a link in case you haven't heard of this:
Widownet, online support for those who have lost their spouse.
http://www.widownet.org
Take care, you are on a difficult journey.
Susan