Today I Choose

It would be easy today to choose sadness.

It would make sense to choose pain.

It would be simple to just curl up on the couch and cry.

But I will not.

Instead, I choose to feel joy.

I choose to remember the happiness.

I choose to be thankful for the time we had.

Today, I choose

Isaac and Jessica Smith

06.26.09

Watching

One of the phrases I hear all the time is: "Isaac's watching over you!" or something to that effect.

But I disagree.

I don't think he is.  In fact, I actually hope he isn't. 

If I believed Isaac was watching over me, then for me, everything I believe about Heaven would be wrong. 

Heaven is supposed to be this amazing, awe inspiring, beautiful, wonderful, beyond perfect place.  There is no pain, no sorrow, no tears in Heaven.  So how then, can I think that Isaac would choose to spend his time watching me here on this crummy earth?  When we are in Heaven, we are supposed to spend our time worshipping at the feet of God.  Why would I think Isaac would choose me over God?

I think that the moment Isaac crossed over into Heaven, he either just in some divine way knew everything important that would happen in the lives of those he loved, or it just didn't matter what was happening here on earth because he was so darn excited to be in Heaven! 

If I can equate it to anything, it is sort of like the time I was home with Isaac before he died.  I didn't think about what was going on at school, what my students were doing, how my substitute was doing...because the time I was spending with Isaac was so precious and valuable that I didn't care what happened anywhere else.  I hope that's how it is for him now, that the time he is spending with God is so sweet and so precious and so wonderful that he doesn't think about life on earth.
I told Isaac I'd be okay.  And I am.  I think a large part of that comes from this belief that he is not "watching over me".  Strange, yes.  But, I think if I believed he was watching me, I'd hang on to him more...and he clearly told me that he did not want me to hang to him.  Of course I will always love him and I will carry our memories close to my heart. 

I believe Isaac is not watching over me, but that's okay...because my Savior sure is!

Psalm 23

For awhile now I've been meaning to write about the title of this blog.  "Walking the Valley" came to me almost instantly when I set out to start writing. 

Typically, when I think of Psalm 23, I picture a TV scene - people dressed in black, gathered at a cemetery, standing around a casket, with a priest reading this Psalm.  But, the more I have thought about it, the more I think that Psalm isn't for the person who is dead, but rather for those left living.  Think about - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" - the dead person isn't walking through that, the dead person is dancing in Heaven!  We, the ones left behind, are those who are walking through death's shadow.  As I read the Psalm again, I know this Psalm is for those of us left behind.  It is a reminder to us, that even when our journey takes us through the darkest valleys, we need not fear when God is with us.  He will provide for our every need, lead us in the right direction (even if that's not the easiest way), and save a place in His house for us when it's our time to head there!

The song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman has been one of my favorites throughout this journey.  It is based off of Psalm 23, and its first line is "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear." This is exactly how I have been feeling throughout this.  So while the name does come from that Psalm, for me it mostly comes from "You Never Let Go", the song.  If there is one thing I can say I have learned through this, one thing I can say I absolutely know about God it is - HE NEVER, EVER LETS GO.

Spotted in my yard...

Do you see it?

Thanks, Isaac ;-)

June

Yep..it's June 1st - my birthday!  June...an interesting month.  It's my birthday, it's the month school ends, it's the month Isaac and I got married.  And, fittingly...it is the month Nick & Friends Sarcoma Foundation is featuring Isaac's story!  Check it out!